


perseverance

by wintersend



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressing Thoughts, F/M, Implied/Referenced Torture, Missing in Action, not explicit at all, there's no rebelcaptain in the first chapter but i plan to expand this a bit, written for the thefulcrumcaptain's promptathon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-06 07:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17340962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend
Summary: He misses the dark. He misses the time he could fight back.





	1. cassian

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for thefulcrumcaptain's promptathon over at tumblr, using the prompt "perseverance" (which I cleverly used as the title, so creative)
> 
> I maintain that Cassian is really hard for me to write but I tried. Welp.

Cassian likes the shadows in the corner where the light doesn’t get in. Maybe he’s lived in darkness for too long, maybe it’s unnatural, maybe he’s broken; but it’s something calming for his ailed mind. He could hide there, he muses, as he’s allowed a moment to breathe, away from this harsh white light that’s far more blinding than the dark.

He misses the dark. He misses the time he could fight back.

 _Nobody’s coming for you,_ he thinks or the voice in his head says or his interrogator taunts. It’s hard to tell anymore.

_They’ve given up, they’ve left you behind._

You are wrong. I know them. I trust them.

Something in his head scoffs. _You’re not worth the rescue. You’re weak._

But they would, anyway. They would, because no matter what I am, they are the opposite. They are good.

Cassian trembles in his seat. It’s cold in here, yet he swears the liquid running down his face is sweat. Not tears. He hasn’t cried in years.

The face of his captor swims in and out of focus, like a reflection in the river. His expression is cold, numb. _This is the face people see when they look at you. Mindless killing machine._

He blinks and the face changes. He sees the ghosts of people he’s let down, one by one, like a slideshow of memories. Kenzo, from his younger years. He sat with him in the mess hall and traded his biscuit for his yogurt. He was a friend. Dead at his feet on their first mission. Niaki, the girl who kissed him when he was fifteen. He stammered and blushed because it was his first kiss and his mask hadn’t yet become his armor. She wanted him to stay with her and he left in the dead of night without saying goodbye. He was unable to face the disappointment in her eyes. Olga, a fellow intelligence officer. Not a friend but a partner, or something akin to it. Left behind when she became dead weight. Samir, he had to kill. He was comprised. That was the first time he killed someone he knew. Asha was an accident. Tivik was a necessity.

Above all, they were all collateral damage.

And K2… K2, kriff it, was a tragedy. He’s the one Cassian regrets the most. And he knows if the droid was here, he would kick his ass back into shape.

In the height of his delusion, Cassian’s mind invents new images: Baze and Chirrut looking at him, eyes full of disappointment. _Should have known what to expect from you, captain._ Bodhi and that little twitch of his mouth as his face falls. _Did you even try?_ Jyn, sad and confused, when he doesn’t come back. Abandoned by yet another person she trusted. _I thought you were my home. Did you not promise?_

I cannot fail them, he thinks, delirious with the thought. I cannot let them down. The man in white points his blaster at him.

Cassian blinks and it’s his captor again.

 _You will break,_ the voice sneers. Maybe it’s real. _You’ve gotten what was coming to you._

“I will ask again,” someone speaks, and it sparks a shiver in response. “Did you or did you not impersonate Imperial military officers to gather information for the Rebel Alliance?”

Cassian doesn’t reply. The voice isn’t any more real or false than the rest. _You will break._

A new figure appears standing in the corner. Cassian instantly knows that she’s different from the rest. There’s no hatred, no disgust, no disappointment in her eyes. She looks at him; gentle but wistful. It almost takes him a moment to recognize her.

 _Mama?_ he thinks, so hopelessly defeated. _Mama, I’m tired._

 _You must have strength, Cassian,_ she says, and it’s a hallucination, and a memory all at once. He remembers how she kissed his hands and smoothed his hair. _Perseverance,_ she whispered, even as the sound of blaster shots echoed around them. That was the last thing she said to him.

_Perseverance, Cassian._

He swallows, forces down the demons clawing at his conscience. This is not me, he tells himself, and tries to believe it. Really tries. These are not my thoughts. I’m not weak. I’m not weak, I’m alive, and I will not break. I will not die.

The ghost in the corner smiles proudly.

Thank you, mama.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive –

I’m alive.

And I will go home.

* * *

 

_(“Promise me you’ll come back?”_

_“I promise I’ll do my best.”)_

* * *

Cassian staggers to his feet and inhales shakily. He steels himself.

He’s a man of his word.


	2. jyn

Cassian doesn’t come home when he’s supposed to.

This doesn’t mean anything. There could be a million reasons for the delay, and not all of them are life-threatening. Perhaps his ship broke down, or he had to wait out a storm and couldn’t take off on time. Perhaps he received new leads regarding his mission that he had to follow up on. It could be anything.

She reminds herself of this time and time again, but it doesn’t explain the lack of communication. _(he would comm if something came up, he would let her know he was okay – stars, no, don’t go there)_

Her stomach churns each hour he remains silent, but she fights through it. This isn’t the first time a mission has taken longer than anticipated. He’s fine. ~~~~

He’ll be home tomorrow, she tells herself when sleep doesn’t come to her eye. He promised he would do his best. That _means_ something to him, and it means everything to her. She holds onto that hope.

When he isn’t home the next day, Jyn corners Draven after a meeting and holds her ground until he gives in. The man confirms with a steely face that Cassian hasn’t checked in when he was supposed to.

“What does that mean?” she spits out, but what she really means is “What are you going to do?” because she knows what it means. Deep down, she knows.

_(this isn’t just one of the many simple reasons he could have been delayed)_

“Nothing yet,” Draven says, and that answers her unspoken question as well. “It’s too soon to make any bold assumptions, Sergeant Erso,” he goes on, and it’s a deliberate statement – a warning. 

Stay put and be a good little soldier, is what Draven means. But she doesn’t take orders well. She knows how this goes: by the time they find out anything for sure, it will be too late. And even if he’s fine, even if Cassian is on his way back right now with a broken comm on a stolen ship, that is not something she’s willing to risk –

She gives a curt nod and walks away. She’s not going to change Draven’s mind but he’s not going to change hers. She thinks he already knows this.

Back in Cassian’s quarters, she clutches her necklace in her hand and whispers, “Where are you?” The base feels colder without him.

_Come back to me._

* * *

 

A day passes, then two, then three, then a week. Draven avoids her, on purpose or by mere coincidence, she doesn’t know. _And now?_ she thinks with fierce hatred. _Is it too soon to make assumptions now?_

She hates Draven, and the entire kriffing Alliance, and herself for spraining her ankle during training and not going with Cassian. He convinced her he would be fine, and “You should stay on base to rest, Jyn,” but what good did resting do if he was gone?

When he’s declared MIA, Jyn slices into his personal file. His mission reports. His briefings. She skims over his status _(missing in action),_ takes quick note of his birthday _(for later),_ and reads through the instructions for his last mission _(the one that took him away from her.) ~~~~_

He was supposed to meet a contact in the Outer Rim who claimed to have intel on a new kind of weapon the Empire was developing. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing he hasn’t done dozens of times before. It doesn’t tell her much, but she has a name and a place.

_He could be hurt or captured, it could have been a trap, he could have been double crossed…_

_Should have gone with him – why didn’t I –_

_Stupid kriffing injury –_

She closes the file and sits for a moment to think. It’s been over a week – if he was captured, he was likely transferred and could be anywhere by now. Even reaching his last known location will take her a couple of days, at most. It’s improbable, a fool’s errand; she probably won’t find him, won’t find anything at all –

But it’s the only lead she has.

_He’s out there somewhere,_ she thinks, and her hand grasps her crystal. She can feel it, she knows it. He’s still here, somewhere in the galaxy. That light hasn’t been extinguished yet.

And if he doesn’t come back to her, she’ll go get him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suspect the reunion will probably be longer than I intend it to be so I might not get that out right away, but it's coming.
> 
> I also don't know if this pre or established relationship? I keep going back and forth, and I still haven't come to a conclusion yet, so I really gotta decide that too.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I'll write Jyn's POV next, then a reunion. Hopefully soon but that depends on how long it ends up being. We shall see.
> 
> Thanks for reading! You can find me on [tumblr](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/)


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